literature

Below the cover of ocean

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prettyflour's avatar
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Literature Text

I'm breathing under crystalline water,
being gently pushed and pulled with the tide.
I am a mermaid searching for a prince to give my voice.

I float and dance with the twisted sea grass.
Bright bioluminescence like stars below the cover of ocean

Until the eyes of a monster cross my path.
My surroundings morph into a murky, haunted scene.
My tail is replaced with shaking knees
and the chase begins.
An Entry for TheWritingHaven's Poetry Contest- Ten Words.

:iconthewritinghaven:

The ten words I used are:


1.breathing
2.water
3.dance
4.twisted
5.bright
6.stars
7.monster
8.eyes
9.knees
10.chase

**These are italicized

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Comments14
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angelenroute's avatar
Okay, I'm here! =D Sean from #We-Poets dropping by to critique this for you.

You did a great job writing a poem + telling a story with these words in such a short piece! Very cool!

First I'm breathing under crystalline water,
***You might consider deleting "First" as it usually infers a "Second" or "Next" is coming soon after.

I am a mermaid searching for a prince to give my voice.
***The prince is supposed to get the mermaid's voice? I don't get that part. Not that I have to haha but just FYI.

Until the eyes of a monster cross my path.
***You could edit "cross my path." to something else like "stare me down." or "stare my way."

My surroundings morph into a murky and haunted scene.
***Consider changing "murky and haunted" to "murky, haunted"

Those are all just my best attempts to give you any help/edits I can IF you're looking to update. If not, no problem. Really beautiful poem either way. Fun assignment too! I should try one of these sometime! :D

--Sean