literature

Standing Alive

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prettyflour's avatar
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Literature Text

As the story goes,
she stood there smiling
wiping the tears with her sleeve

I tried to scream, but couldn't
like something from a nightmare.
Slow motion sprints
just as she followed the light...

It must have been brilliant
beautiful sorrow I see
It must have been radiant...

Standing there alive
I just wept silently
Help, I'm alive.

Have you ever had a dream in which you tried to scream but couldn't?

What does this poem make you think of?

Metaphors or similies? Which do you prefer?
© 2010 - 2024 prettyflour
Comments15
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GileadsBalm's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

What I found most interesting about your poem is that you started talking about two different people. At first, there's a 'she' and then there's an 'I' and then in the end you bring those two people together. Both the first and third person view of the story converge into one.

It's certainly up to individual interpretation, but it's very common to disassociate one's self from trauma by making it about a different person. This poem could be about a girl who comes to terms with her traumatic past, and no longer has to separate herself from the memories (because of the way that 'I' takes the place of 'she' in the last stanza)

On a critical note: It's boring to talk about grammar, but the way you have the tenses arranged really threw me off in the first read through. The timeline in your poem starts talking about things that happened at a fixed point, then about things that were happening over a period of time in the past, then about things that are happening right now, and then back to the fixed point in the past ("stood there smiling" "must have been brilliant" and "brilliant sorrow I see") It's usually best to stick to simple timelines unless you have a reason to do otherwise.

To answer the question in your comments, I prefer metaphors. I think they're artists determined to draw an image in your head, as opposed to things like are merely like artists drawing an image in your head.

I hope you have a nice day and continue to write with all your heart and soul! ^.^ b