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Submitted on
March 2, 2013
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I’ve heard the saying
When one door closes, another opens,
I felt the disconnect and the lock clicked shut
It closed for just a moment
Then opened so hard
That it spun me

I went down in a haze of mixed emotions,
Not over my loss but feeling for you,
My wants mangling each other,
Eating each other alive,
Until there was nothing left
But me

When the tears stopped
and you were there, waiting
I ran toward you
Wanting change, wanting freedom
Embracing an uncertain future
For love

Your eyes were like the ocean
A swirling punch bowl of blue and white,
So inviting in their dance
So severe was the pull of your undertow
That I dove right in
Without a life preserver

Through your door I swam
With a tail like a mermaid
Propelling me face first
Into your warm water embrace,
With a smile
Meant just for you

It wasn’t what I wanted
At the time...
It was unexpected,
It was love laid out at my feet
In a trail of hot sand
That burned my toes
Until you carried me
My entry for :iconsoul-poets: Unexpected Love Contest.

Go check it out! [link]

What do you think?
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:iconthelunardragon:
Critique by TheLunarDragon Mar 4, 2013, 4:10:15 AM
This Critique is provided on behalf of #PoeticalCondition

Vision: 5/5

You clearly had a set idea for this poem and followed through with it. It also helps that the contest kind of picked the topic for you! ;) But you still clearly knew how you wanted to write this piece and it shows. Well done.

Originality: 4.5/5

I will never in a million years give a love based poem a full five stars, has nothing to do with your abilities. However, I gave more stars than I normally would here because it was a contest entry in which you had to write on such a topic, so I could not be as Critical of love poems as I usually am! Ha!

Technique: 4/5

I would have loved to see a bit more follow through with italics and a bit of bold lettering to make certain points pop a bit more. You used it well WHEN you used it, but I just don't think you used it quite enough!

Impact: 4.5/4

I was wavering between 4 and 4.5, and decided to go with the higher end here. I definitely felt a stirring of emotion from this poem but it didn't quite tug at my heart-strings as much as I wanted it to. :iconx-all-the-y: INCLUDE ALL THE EMOTIONS!

Sorry, tiny bit hyper, just slammed a cup-a-joe!

Alas I digress, this was still a wonderful piece, you are definitely a poet that inspires me! I hope to see more from you, and I hope this piece wins the contest! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconak69666:
ak69666 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013
great job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Professional Writer
great poem! very well written

(2nd line of 2nd stanza has an extra space)
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!

and I fixed that pesky spacing issue. :)
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013  Professional Writer
haha ok =)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is on behalf of #PoeticalCondition

:clap: I honestly think you've written something which is truly inspiring, and tender in its emotional presentation. It seems personal, and comes out like a breeze. I, in all honesty, don't know how you can improve this work; I'll just accept it at face value, for all its worth.

Its a gem, in my opinion.
Reply
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, that is such a wonderful compliment. Thank you so much.

It is indeed personal, and it was one of those poems that just... wrote itself. Normally, I put a lot more thought in to my poems but this one... I just wrote the first words that came into my head. I suppose that's why I wanted feedback on this one. :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Be confident about this work. It is well written.
Reply
:iconmissrosevine:
missrosevine Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
This was beautiful! you two are so perfect together! Considering i know yall this was so sweet to get to read. I loved the ocean references!
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh! Thank you!!! There is this group on here that is having a contest and the theme is 'Unexpected Love' and the first thing I thought of was when I met Guy. At the time... I had just broken up with my BF of 2 years and I certainly wasn't looking for love but... well, I just couldn't help myself! LOL
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