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Submitted on
August 22
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The light coming through the window was bright,
much too bright.
Even though my eyes were closed
I could see it-
feel it.

The skin of my arms prickled,
sweat dripped from my brow.
It was two in the afternoon but…
the sun was setting
through the window facing east.

I should have seen the hutch,
shelves lined with bone china
decorated with delicate leaves and vines.
I was so thirsty
and reaching for cups that should have been there.

Instead I found a billboard of butterflies,
the colors raging
more than any rainbow 
I'd ever seen.
Their wings fluttered and flashed
yet somehow they moved in slow motion.

I wanted to stand,
wanted to reach out and touch them but…
I couldn't move,
couldn't speak,
and yet I laughed
ignoring my dry mouth
and the tingling in my feet.  

There was a tempest
on the rise
and in my blood.
A sugar rush disguised
as a riot of butterflies
and they were swarming me.

There was a small vial
of insulin in my pocket
that I never stopped to think about...
until my wife shook me.
This is my entry for   SpiralingSpontaneity   :iconspiralingspontaneity:'s contest.

The theme is:  billboard of butterflies

When I first read the prompt, I was immediately reminded of a very… dangerous situation.  My brother in law suffers from diabetes, and he told me of a time when he struggled to control his blood sugar. He hadn't been feeling well- came home early from work and sat down in his dining room…only to have intense hallucinations of butterflies invading his china cabinet.  Thankfully, his wife recognized that he was in distress, and was able to get him help.  This is my interpretation of what he saw, and how he felt.

Feedback is always appreciated.
Thank you for reading.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-09-02
a dangerous hallucination by prettyflour " tells an interesting story all while promoting knowledge about real life issues" (Suggesters Words) ( Suggested by OfOneSoul and Featured by IrrevocableFate )
:iconderek-cadox:
This is a beautifully executed piece of work. You get lot in the beauty of the imagery, but while you're lost in the beauty certain things set of small alarm bells in your mind like the sun setting in the east, and the thing about wanting to move but being unable to, these small alarm bells give you small warnings as to the darker nature of the poem.
It's beautiful and it captures your attention until the very end and then it's suddenly thrust upon you that the poem has a very dark and dangerous underside, the beauty is disguising a dark secret about a dangerous situation that could be fatal.
It's a very inspirational piece of writing about a situation that almost everyone knows about but very few actually understand the severity and deadliness of diabetes. It must've been hard to write about it but you've done it brilliantly and in a way that will stick with people, well done.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
20 out of 21 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconi-do-enjoy-music:
Alright.

Let's start with random alliterations. The main issue I have is that they mess with the initial flow of the poem. One appears in the third stanza, almost cautiously. That one worked really well. The others in the fourth stanza are the issue. They seem forced, and break up the flow. They come all the sudden in the middle of the poem and then leave just as quickly. That would be ok if the hallucination was coming and going or there were more in the poem itself. That being said, I liked them and think the poem could gain much more from their use. Looking at the third stanza alone, I feel you have a fantastic grasp on giving the devise its space while allowing it to fit. It's something that if you can make them flow, you'll be golden.

I do not like the ellipses(...). I can see how they could add to the surreal quality of the situation, but the frequency in such a short poem detract from their impact. A comma would make the second stanza flow much better. The three dots seem like too long of a pause. I like their use in the fifth stanza. You created a great sense of terrifying confusion. I did not like them in the last stanza.

The last stanza is a whole other story. My issue is that the problem(hallucinating) is not dissipated or even mentioned again. Your description of the hallucination and what should be there were very strong, and the last stanza completely drops the imagery and comparisons. I think it is too short for all the work you put into the hallucination. The juxtaposition between hallucination and real life is lost there when there could be a great gain.

Some of the shock is lost without the explanation that this actually happened. I think you could easily gain it back by strengthening the last stanza.

I have minor issues with your choice to use the word "tempest" in sixth stanza, but I do not have any suggestions as to what could replace it.

Now things that I adored!

Mentioning that the window was facing east while the sun was setting was a fantastic detail to include. The effect wouldn't have been as good without it(I tried reading it without it and it just wasn't the same).

The slight hints at the main character being diabetic where phenomenal as well. They allow the reader to feel the character's plight so to speak.

Your imagery is fan-freaking-tastic. That's the only reason I was so hard on you before. You have a special quirk about you that makes me think you could be even more descriptive. Don't confine yourself. Let those butterflies be even more fantastic, even more alive. I know you can.

I loved the stressed words being in italics. You have a great eye for making us have the main characters thoughts(at least in this poem. I haven't read any of your others...yet).

So overall this poem is only the tip of your artistic iceberg. I think it's good, but you can do so much better. Everything about this poem suggests you have a wonderful eye for the world around you and can make a fanciful story out of real life(even if said story is slightly sad and scary). You got this, so go for it.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icondaisydinkle:
DaisyDinkle Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Really amazing writing! An inspiration to me during a time when I am desperately trying to get back into writing again. Great work!
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much for saying so.   :)
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2014  Student General Artist
WOW!
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Heart Heart Hi! Heart Heart 
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:iconandecaya:
Andecaya Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations!
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I love that even before the ending, there's a budding sense of menace.
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!
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:iconmichaelhardcore13:
michaelhardcore13 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
that is poetry!
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:)  Thank you for your support!
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