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Poetry-literature by chryssalis


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Submitted on
February 3
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Sta.sh Writer
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a trail of tattoos
erupt from my fingertips
and wrap themselves around you
I want to paint you
with colors I created
and stain your skin with my lips
Day three of HaikuWriMo

Format: Choka

Got any tattoos?
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:iconaaron-jay:
Upon reading this poem, I'd say you are naturally gifted in the ways of verse. Mind you, people who have natural talent usually get lost in the crowd of all the poets that want to get published out there. You need to find a way to rise above all of those other people and soar higher.

While this piece is amazing, it has some elements that are seen in a lot of poems. Love being a tattoo that is etched into skin. The way you did it though, was SUPURB, but reach deeper inside yourself and write exactly what you are feeling. The best poems ever made are the ones that are covered in emotion. Never be afraid to write about your pain, pleasure or failures.

I like the format you have chosen, but I feel this poem can be a lot longer. Maybe if you were to stretch this piece to a nice couple more stanza's the originality and technique elements would disappear, but despite it all, this reads nicely. The line" I want to paint you with colors" is a strong statement and where you put it and how you put it makes those words the strongest in your piece.

I hope I have been helpful
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:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2014
Truly amazing. I really like this. :) 
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
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:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2014
You're welcome. 
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:iconchryssalis:
chryssalis Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2014
:clap::clap:
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hug 
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:iconandrewpom:
andrewpom Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2014  Student Writer
cool imagery and very sensual too. the 5/7/7 structure works well; i've never written a choka, but i might try one now.

oh and nah, i don't have any tats as of yet, though i will sometime in the future. probably in the tribal style though not sure exactly what it'll be - i haven't designed it yet skull emoticons wink 
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much for the comment.  I was definitely going for something on the sensual side.

I hope you try and take on choke- it's a style that I think flows really nicely.

No tattoos? There is always time for that sort of thing in the future. Design something cool- take you time and make it stellar!
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:iconthedarkenedbride:
TheDarkenedBride Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't have any tattoos myself but I don't mind them on others :]
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:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like this! The last line especially is nice. :D
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much for commenting!
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