Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

This deviation was deleted

Hey there!

Prettyflour here from :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

I want to start by saying that I very much enjoyed this. When I first started reading I was expecting an epic tale of dragon slaying and adventure and when I got to the end I was pleasantly surprised by how you chose to end it. You get points for originality for that in my book!

To me, this seems well thought out. The story was complete- having a beginning, middle and end. The words you used captured my attention form the get go- especially this:

I lie under the cloak of night,
Brandishing my steel sword as if it were my soul.
My iron clad body,
Holding steady,
As I wait for him.

Nice way to create anticipation!

I am always a fan of being surprised and when I read:

"Jacob dear, it's time for dinner"

That brought a smile to my face. Thank you for surprising me!

Usually when I critique I try to leave feedback on what I enjoyed AND what I feel could use improvement but I have to be honest and tell you that I think the piece is wonderful as is. I wouldn't change a thing!

The way you brought an innocence and perspective of youth at the end worked so well.

I hope this was helpful. If you want to discuss further, please feel free to reply.
Thank you!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.


robostorm Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much for critiquing my poem. I'm so glad that you liked it. I was worried that my attempt to portray innocence would come across as weakness or wouldn't come across at all, so I', glad that you understood. Please feel fee to critique another poem of mine! Thank you again for your feedback and have a wonderful day!
Add a Comment: