Prettyflour here from with the critique you requested.
I have to start by saying that I very much enjoyed this poem. At first glance, the formatting was interesting- it made reading it easy; between that and the punctuation, it accentuated where to pause and it gave the poem a emotion feel that I feel many poems lack. Good call!
I was absolutely hooked after reading:
"Shouldn't you?" he cried-
Head in hand,
Soul in pieces
Melting like clouds on a gorgeous mornings.
Those lines conveyed a desperation that really set the tone and drew me in. And the way you followed up with:
Darling, pull the shades down
I'm not ready for the truth -
It's a brightly-blinding, harsh beauty…
No, I want to stay with you.
I love the contradiction of brightly-blinding, harsh beauty. That is so apt!
I was a tad confused at the line: Fringing black and full esteem
I thought esteem was an odd word choice and I didn't quite understand it in this context. Also, I was surprised to see that this was listed as Songs & Lyrics...It struck me as more of concrete poetry or free verse. BUT overall, I was
impressed with this poem. It made me want to read more of your work.
I hope this was helpful!
Yes, definitely helpful! Is it sad I had to go back and re-read it to see what I meant, myself? It feels sad...Anyway, that whole "fringing black" part was the light of the truth starting to really pay attention to this fantasy world that was built, where everything was perfect, and never mind those shadows, we're good...and just burning it, burning it out of respect for reality, respect for the lives that were being wasted with eachother. Re-reading it, I think it should probably be in full esteem... as in "in full regard" Would that make more sense? I preferred to use "esteem" because it places along with "full steam ahead" kinda...which helped lead me to the next lines of "heat & pressure" with the image now in my head of esteem as an actual presence, that presence being rather like a mist or steam...which an entombed dreamland simply doesn't know how to handle. I think I will change it to "in"...thank you for that input
As for the "lyrics"...pretty much everything I write is a song. I'm not really poetically trained or anything, so I don't know all the specific structures...or rather, I do, vaguely, but they don't interest me so much - I had to do them in school way back when, and following their rules were too confining for me lol. So I write songs...they all have melodies, some more simple than others, but I hum them to myself. I guess you call them my written version of dragons, which I've always loved to draw because they can be whatever you want them to be...rather like liquid!