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Hey there!

Prettyflour here from :iconPoetcialCondition: with the critique you requested.

For me, this poem is dripping with emotion. The way you use hollow, weightless and weighted through out the piece brings an air of melancholy and sadness. I feel that the strong points here are vision and impact- the way you've put words together and the feel that those words bring are striking and unforgettable.

I also feel that this is high in originality- especially the formatting (fonts size and italics) towards the end of poem ( punch out and dreams being different makes them stand out and be noticed more than they would have had you kept them the same as the other words.

My only criticism would be that I would have liked to have seen more punctuation used. You use it in the first stanza but after that... it seemed to fizzle out. Punctuation can be a wonderful tool to help with the meter and flow of any poem, and I think this piece would benefit from more of it.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this, as I do most of your poetry. There were sections of this that gave me chills, such as:

and weighted eyes strain to see
fighting, blinking,
attempting to lure words with
strings that dangle fish hooks
down the back of my throat

The use of 'fish hooks down the back of my throat' is so visceral! It made me cringe a little, but in a good way.

I hope this was helpful and if you want to discuss, please feel free to reply.

Thanks and have a great night!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.


Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That is my attempt at adding punctuation :dummy:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. I'm always unsure of where to use punctuation D: it's not my strong suit~
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